Can You Handle This
April 28, 2009 § 2 Comments
The annual AAA variety show was two weeks ago. I was one of many performers; most of the acts were either dancing or singing. Congratulations were given at every turn, which led me to wonder just how much sincerity lay behind every “Great job!” or “You were amazing!”
While I can’t accuse anyone else of being artificial, I did honestly feel like I lied during some of the encouraging comments that I made after certain performances. For one reason or another, I was disappointed by people that I thought would sound better or could have more impressively utilized their talents.
Yet, how could I possibly voice my thoughts?
I don’t think I’d be able to tell even my closest friends if their performances were subpar unless they mentioned it first, and even then I’d probably choke on my criticism. Something like that is much more difficult for me to verbalize than an evaluation of, say, a friend’s clothing choice.
But I become highly critical when it comes to something that I consider myself good at. After the variety show, I wondered if I was the only one who didn’t enjoy certain performances to the utmost [will Simon Cowell please stand up?]. I feel like asking somebody else would only portray me as a [competitive/insecure] bitch, but it’s not like that. I just don’t like listening to poor singing, but I do believe I have higher standards in this area than the average person.
I suppose that when I’m completely honest with myself, I am a little bit competitive. Did the audience consider my performance better or worse than the others? Did they think that we all sounded the same?
Ugh. I hate these conundrums where I feel like I can’t ask anybody because nobody would really understand my perspective. Anyway I wish somebody would upload/send me a video of my performance! I’d like to see just how good or bad my singing sounded from the audience.
Ask Me What It Was Like
April 26, 2009 § 1 Comment
More choice excerpts from old emails.
12.7.05 — me to J
way to NOT respond to my email pooface [never been his strong point. ever.]
don’t make fun of my butt! Just cuz it’s not flabby like SOME ppl’s — …
12.7.05 — J to me
and yes..i wasnt making fun of your butt….i
was..complementing it…i love your butt
laura..O_o….lol..sigh..disregard that totally
please…
Frankly, I don’t remember ever holding email conversations with him that year. But then I went forward a few emails and saw this:
12.11.05 — Cranberry to me
when I got home, my mother asked me why I havent been talking to you as much recently. You know… I… I really… it really… stung. A lot. And really… it made so little sense to me. I mean… something happens and we suddenly cant stand each other? No… I said that we would always be friends… let’s keep it that way… please.
12.12.05 — me to Cranberry
Hmm well thanks for taking the initiative to email. I suppose with everything it’s just easier (for me at least) to forget that we were ever friends … which sounds harsh but … yes. And I must admit that speaking to you is a bit awkward as of late. However, I do recall a vow to stay friends, which would be good to uphold otherwise all would go to waste.
Oh. Well. I suppose at that point, I was reaching out to anybody else.
Why is staying friends so difficult?
I hate reading the emails between me and J, whether old or new. One day it may reach the happy-nostalgia status, one day being years from now, of course.
That’s Why They Call It The Blues
April 24, 2009 § Leave a comment
The summer before college, I heard the term “sophomore blues” at large group during the night dedicated to preparing us graduated seniors for university life. The meaning of the phrase that I procured was based on the fact that freshmen get babied by older students and courted by just about every campus organization. The next year, nobody really cares about you anymore. Classes become significantly harder, especially when one is switching majors on a weekly basis, and people expect you to fend for yourself.
Roomie #1 and I have both encountered sophomore blues this year, which led us to have many, many conversations about the past, ranging from childhood to high school, anything to escape the unexpected hell of the present.
I would have to say this school year sucked more than the last one. What with adopting literal nocturnal habits [I am REALLY good at staying up until sunrise now], a 7-8lb weight gain, and being more cut off from friends because of increasing school work, I would definitely not like to relive sophomore year.
Always Been A Stupid Girl
April 22, 2009 § Leave a comment
I’m revisiting my past, in hopes that it will help me get through the present. It’s interesting, reading the email conversations I had 4 years ago. Some of it sheds new light on past situations, like how Cranberry was convinced that Vajayjay had feelings for me, and I was just as insistent that he didn’t because I really couldn’t picture it — turns out Cranberry was correct, and apparently it was just one of the causes of the eventual insurmountable rift between the former friends.
It’s been long enough that I can post stuff from old emails without being insensitive, right? This is something he wrote from exactly 4 years ago plus 1 day that makes me sad now:
auradis 