Always Been A Stupid Girl

April 22, 2009 § Leave a comment

I’m revisiting my past, in hopes that it will help me get through the present. It’s interesting, reading the email conversations I had 4 years ago. Some of it sheds new light on past situations, like how Cranberry was convinced that Vajayjay had feelings for me, and I was just as insistent that he didn’t because I really couldn’t picture it — turns out Cranberry was correct, and apparently it was just one of the causes of the eventual insurmountable rift between the former friends.

It’s been long enough that I can post stuff from old emails without being insensitive, right? This is something he wrote from exactly 4 years ago plus 1 day that makes me sad now:

i… will… not… leave… you. not by choice. maybe if… a freak accident killed me. iono… i would fight the few tons of aluminum… or the windshield. but i won’t. although… if you told me to leave… :-/… i think i would hafta comply.

I don’t particularly wish that we were still together, but I do regret the way I handled things. And this:

laura… tell me something. i never thought you didnt care, but i can’t say it didnt cross my mind. be selfish. please… i hate to tell you to do something like that, but be selfish. honestly and selfishly speaking… it makes me feel somewhat good that you do care about me and [name of the other woman redacted]. even though it isnt anything to be… like that… i know that if i were in your position i would. and it is somewhat reassuring that i’m not just feeling everything i am for you one way…

I was cold-hearted, wasn’t I? I wish I could apologize to him.

i know you care. heck… if you didnt… that would be… crushing to me. but… laura… i want to reassure you again… she is a sister.

and she is not you. she is not a new laura. i like the present one just fine.

and if you want something to change, you always have that wish card that you got on your birthday… although if you asked without one id probably do it anyways. this just gives you a bigger chance to ask. :)

I think I do still have that thing. Wonder where I put it [probably in the box in my closet, to the left]? Not that it matters — there was no way I could use it after we broke up, though it did cross my mind.

Am I a fool for looking back on this now? Probably. But I know that people are interested in other people’s relationships, otherwise they wouldn’t always be asking.

we’ll go to a keane concert someday together ok?

lol, no we won’t. But the plans that two people make…if the plan is eventually carried out by half of the couple after the fact, it seems to slightly tarnish the experience.

The whole Vajayjay thing seems kind of obvious now when I look back on emails between him and me, but I never did understand how one could develop feelings for someone who is already basically in a relationship [though I also never know how long this went on].

Oh well. We were all stupid children back then. And some of us still are, and we carry on hurting one another.

lol the pigeon. im dissecting it next week… ive been lazy and not doing any work on it. i have been messing around with the powerpoint– i took a picture of a pigeon, cut it in half, took the two halves and timed it so that they would split apart at the same time and i titled it “columba livia: the Pigeon Partition”. … im a sadistic freak. leave me :D

actually no dont.

but then again… if you get such a craving for meat… in a mideval setting, then… maybe i should leave you! O_O

but i think ill stay. :D

Haha. Thanks for the laughs :)

auradis