Do You See What I See?

March 23, 2009 § Leave a comment

This is what I saw.

This is what I saw.

Knowing what’s right makes the wrong even more heartbreaking.

After dinner today I went for a walk around the neighborhood to clear my head. Even though spring break has just begun, I’ve already had more than enough chaos. I suppose even though my brother is growing taller and my parents are growing older, nothing at home really changes. A smooth facade is easily shattered by the obstinacy of an adolescent boy and the impatience of two incapable parents. I feel like I have enough experience to become an actual family counselor.

And let’s not forget the BU, as much as I would like to. It was awkward seeing [and avoiding] him yesterday. This afternoon, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist was playing on TV — I had zero interest in this when it came out, but J watched it sometime this semester and loved it, and he was keen on us watching it together. So I watched it today, partly in honor of him, and partly to see what the big deal was about.

As I suspected, the film was just another frivolous teen romance. I mean, it wasn’t disgustingly cheesy, but it wasn’t much more than two teenagers trying to find “love” [or something]. And the supporting characters were completely one-dimensional and uninteresting.

Anyway, I walked from my house to the elementary school playground and watched the sunset while listening to sad songs on my iPod [which is on the verge of dying…not good]. My favorite: Piano Man by Brandy. How true these words:

Play me a song about heartache / I promise I could sing every word

But God met me as I slouched in the swing, the wind blowing my hair into disheveled tangles. And through my tears, I gave it up to Him. I’m not going to let the questions plague me anymore — does he still love me? If not, why not? Could we still end up together? [How could he be so heartless?]

It doesn’t matter anymore. What we shared is gone, and my future is not with him. I can have peace about it now. As for family problems, well, that will take much longer to clean up. But I know God is there.

On my walk back, Another Heart Calls by the All American Rejects came on. Although not in the full context of the lyrics, these lines stood one to me:

Everything that matters breaks in two / Say it’s true / I’ll never ask for anyone but you

I looked up into the sky’s radiant clouds and prayed those words to God. I hope to never forget what He has brought me through.

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