February 16, 2009 § 1 Comment
[Written preemptively 2.14.09]
I’ve never been dumped before.
I saw it coming, but it still hurts more than I thought it would.
Even when we were together, I thought about how minuscule we were. Although our love felt like one of the most important things ever, we were just like everybody else. Everybody reaches out, craving human contact and interaction; we are all depraved and incomplete. Being with someone else is lovely, but it certainly isn’t anything extraordinary. Everyone does it.
Now that it’s over, I’m a little lost. I haven’t been completely single for two years – this isn’t an easy transition. I find myself alternately struggling between desperately trying to focus on God and wondering if I’m destined to always be let down with broken promises from the opposite gender.
Everything is a reminder of him. The campus we walked around together. People wearing wedding rings – the plans we joked about together. People from his school that I’m Facebook friends with – I may never see them again. Coffee? He loved it. Wicked? Same, to an uncomfortable degree. I can’t look at anything. I can’t move, can’t cry, can’t sleep. God, how I wish I could sleep. But even then, reality haunts me. I have dreams in which he completely ignores me; upon waking, I find these nightmares to be true. Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and die so I could just be with Jesus and escape this mess.
I regret that even after such an immense investment of time and emotion, it was all a waste. I’m left with this black hole of emotions and some pictures that I will eventually have to put in a box so the happy faces don’t smile emptily at me every day. What hurts the most, though, is every minute when I remember, again and again, that it’s over. And then I am overcome with an astounding sense of loss.
My initial, depressed break-up playlist*, with choice lyrics:
Brandy – True
I can’t be without you so it’s got to work / Goodbye’s not an option so don’t say the word
Taylor Swift – White Horse
I honestly believed in you / Holding on, the days drag on / Stupid girl, should’ve known, should’ve known / I’m not a princess / This ain’t a fairy tale
Death Cab For Cutie – Title and Registration
There’s no blame / For how our love did slowly fade / And now it’s gone / It’s like it wasn’t there at all / And here I rest / Disappointment and regret collide / Lying awake at night
Britney Spears – Out From Under
I don’t wanna dream about / All the things that never were
I don’t wanna feel the pain / What good would it do me now?
Amy Lee – Sally’s Song
And will we ever / End up together? / No, I think not / It’s never to become
Snow Patrol – Run
To think I might not see those eyes / Makes it so hard not to cry / And as we say our long goodbyes / I nearly do
Sarah McLachlan – Stupid
How stupid could I be / A simpleton could see / That you’re no good for me / But you’re the only one I see
Maroon 5 – Nothing Lasts Forever
Every day with every word whispered we get more far away / The distance between us makes it so hard to stay / Nothing lasts forever but be honest babe / It hurts but it may be the only way
No Doubt – Don’t Speak
You and me / I can see us dying / Are we? / Don’t speak / I know just what you’re saying / So please stop explaining / Don’t tell me cuz it hurts
Leona Lewis – Homeless
You don’t love me anymore / You don’t want me anymore / There’s a sign on your door / No vacancies, just emptiness / Without your love I’m homeless
Beyoncé – Disappear
Should I wait for you to call / Is there any hope at all?
I tried to reach you / I can almost feel you / You’re nearly here / And then you disappear
John Legend – Everybody Knows
Everybody knows / But nobody really knows / How to make it work / Or how to ease the hurt / We’ve heard it all before / And everybody knows / Just how to make it right / I wish we gave it one more try
Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek
What you say, that you only meant well? / Well of course you did / What you say, that’s it’s all for the best? / Of course it is / What you say, that it’s just what we need, you decided this
Elisabeth Carew – Destructive
We thought our love would / Cross any space or time / This sweet illusion / Got me living a lie
Keri Hilson – Promise In The Dark
Add how many times I gave my heart / To how many times we fell apart / And it equals a promise in the dark / So don’t promise me
Kate Winslet – What If
What if I had never let you go? / Would you be the man I used to know? / If I’d stayed / If you’d tried / If we could only turn back time / I guess we’ll never know
Rascal Flatts – What Hurts The Most
What hurts the most / Was being so close / And having so much to say / And watching you walk away / Never knowing / What could have been
*Half of these links aren’t mine, so I can’t guarantee their safety or functionality.