It’s Not You, It’s Me

February 18, 2009 § Leave a comment

It’s still hard to believe that it’s over. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of hopelessness and hurt within me.

The deep abyss of agony has become more of a dull ache. I can’t look at his face without dry-heaving: not wanting to vomit, but wanting to cry. Or die. [I believe there is a little bit of masochism involved.]

But what’s the use? It’s over. I laid in bed for a day, skipping my classes so I could try to sleep longer, or upon waking, cry periodically for what was lost: a time of mourning for something that had died.

I see other couples who have couple-y Facebook pictures, or who walk around holding hands, and reminisce on how I used to be that smug and comfortable too. But now they only serve as reminders of what could have been. I feel a little angry looking at all the non-Christian couples I know who are happy and planning futures together, and I wonder, if they can stay together, why did we fall apart? It’s not fair, God; it’s not fair.

It’s easy to smile and laugh in the company of others. Their encouragement assuages the torment temporarily. I can’t escape it when I’m alone though, and the reality is overwhelming. But then there’s nothing more I want to be than alone right now, to just waste away staring at nothing.

Unfortunately, the world keeps going even when I want it to stop. Time is moving and I have to pick myself up and accept it.

This is my new playlist*:

Sarah McLachlan – I Will Remember You
Don’t let your life / Pass you by / Weep not for the memories / Remember the good times that we had

Ryan Cabrera – Remember To Remember
And as we walk across this lifetime / Leaving behind what used to be / I hope you stop and smile / Think of you and I / And the dreams we dared to dream

Superchick – Crawl
How long will this take? / How much can I go through? / My heart, my soul aches / I don’t know what to do
If I had to crawl / Will You crawl too? / I stumble and I fall / Carry me through

The Fray – You Found Me
Lost and insecure / You found me / You found me / Lying on the floor

Jimmy Eat World – Always Be
It’s gonna get harder still / Before it gets easy / You can’t keep safe what wants to break

Girls Aloud – Loving Is Easy
Loving is easy / It’s all of the rest that just gets in the way / Devotion don’t feed me / Cuz absence just leads lonely lovers to stray / Who says it’s easy? / Sometimes love is not enough

Taylor Swift – Forever & Always
Baby what happened / Please tell me cause one second it was perfect / Now you’re halfway out the door

I was there when you said forever and always / You didn’t mean it baby

Regina Spektor – The Call
Just because everything’s changing / Doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before

Coldplay – The Scientist
Nobody said it was easy / Oh it’s such a shame for us to part / Nobody said it was easy / No one ever said it would be so hard / I’m going back to the start.

Nicole Atkins – The Way It Is
Just think, this could be the last time / I hold you, hold you ever again / Oh, I don’t think I’ll ever sleep til morning / Cuz he’s the only one I ever wanted

O-Town – All Or Nothing
There’s nowhere left to fall / When you’ve reached the bottom / It’s now or never / Is it all, or are we just friends? / Is this how it ends, with a simple telephone call? / You leave me here with nothing at all

Nicole Sponberg – Resurrection
Here I am at the end I’’m in need of resurrection / Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead

Nicole C. Mullen – Come Unto Me
Are you looking for someone to be gentle / With your broken heart your shattered dreams? / And are you searching for someone who’ll be faithful / To you no matter what life brings?

Relient K – Deathbed
I can smell the death on the sheets / Covering me / I can’t believe this is the end / But this is my deathbed / I lie here alone / If I close my eyes tonight / I know I’ll be home

*Again, some of these links are not my own. Click at your own discretion.

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