February 27, 2009 § 1 Comment
On Wednesday I had the chance to speak with an older female IV leader about the one overwhelming aspect of my life right now, and by God’s grace she was able to speak truth into my life, revealing some things that I didn’t even know I was struggling with. It helped, but the hurt only deepened once I understood it, and is now giving way to anger.
Unlike despair, in which I can wallow miserably, anger makes me restless. I want to throw things, to get out. I want to go home. I want to confront people. But most of all, I just want my life back. But some people have to go and make things complicated…
I also wish I could stop pretending to be fine. Some of it is self-wrought, a defense mechanism because talking about it is painful even when I laugh about it. Some of it is caused by the fact that the world moves on, and even my closest friends can’t understand what I’m going through. Sometimes it’s not pretending, but most of the time I still carry around a darkness that I cannot yet release.
I can’t stop listening to this song:
February 22, 2009 § Leave a comment
Listening To: Nicholas Tse (謝霆鋒) – 谢谢你的爱 1999
别问最爱我的人 / 伤我有多深
Who would’ve known that I could identify so closely with Jon Arbuckle? I’m still a little heartbroken and very, very sick, and these are perfect representations of how I feel. [Taken from Garfield Minus Garfield.]
February 18, 2009 § Leave a comment
It’s still hard to believe that it’s over. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of hopelessness and hurt within me.
The deep abyss of agony has become more of a dull ache. I can’t look at his face without dry-heaving: not wanting to vomit, but wanting to cry. Or die. [I believe there is a little bit of masochism involved.]
But what’s the use? It’s over. I laid in bed for a day, skipping my classes so I could try to sleep longer, or upon waking, cry periodically for what was lost: a time of mourning for something that had died.
I see other couples who have couple-y Facebook pictures, or who walk around holding hands, and reminisce on how I used to be that smug and comfortable too. But now they only serve as reminders of what could have been. I feel a little angry looking at all the non-Christian couples I know who are happy and planning futures together, and I wonder, if they can stay together, why did we fall apart? It’s not fair, God; it’s not fair.
February 16, 2009 § 1 Comment
[Written preemptively 2.14.09]
I’ve never been dumped before.
I saw it coming, but it still hurts more than I thought it would.
Even when we were together, I thought about how minuscule we were. Although our love felt like one of the most important things ever, we were just like everybody else. Everybody reaches out, craving human contact and interaction; we are all depraved and incomplete. Being with someone else is lovely, but it certainly isn’t anything extraordinary. Everyone does it.
Now that it’s over, I’m a little lost. I haven’t been completely single for two years – this isn’t an easy transition. I find myself alternately struggling between desperately trying to focus on God and wondering if I’m destined to always be let down with broken promises from the opposite gender.