auradis

I’m glad to be single. I’m glad that I didn’t have a boyfriend holding me back while studying abroad; I’m glad that I don’t have one to hinder my post-graduation plans. I look at the two of my roommates who have boyfriends and think, I’m glad I don’t have to set aside time for a boyfriend because I feel like I barely have enough time for myself.

In short, I’m selfish.

A relationship is very rewarding, but it’s also draining, full of giving. You don’t know how tiring it is until you’re out of one.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. It’s nice to have someone to talk to immediately, a free dispenser of hugs and kisses and dates that’s hard to find in anybody else. But most of the time I shun the thought of a relationship, instead exaggerating the superficial.

Spending half a year in Asia turned in a little boy-crazy. I mean, the guys in Hong Kong weren’t that good-looking, but they were skinny and well-dressed and had long hair, and if I just focused on a positive physical trait, it was enough for me. Lust is a very real and enduring struggle. Kpop has also instilled this weird infatuation for younger guys, which I’m having a harder time hiding lately. I’ve been wielding my sexuality unapologetically, creeping on cute guys and commenting on them shamelessly. And I keep everything superficial.

In the end, I think what I have is fear.

I’m afraid to want more. I’m afraid to give myself and my time and have all my effort ultimately go to waste. I’m afraid to be emotionally invested in another person. I’m afraid to take that risk.

So for now, I’d rather stick to boy-watching, to compartmentalizing, to keeping things from getting messy. I’d rather ogle photos of Korean idols, people who are a fantasy. Safe.

Who can tame this wild heart? I bet it’s not you ;)

This is me eating forever

I’ve been asked more than a handful of times to think of a superpower I would like to have.

The romantic-nostalgic side of me wants the ability to fly — as a child, I had multiple dreams of taking off through the air and floating above neighborhoods and buildings. The sneaky side of me wishes for telekinesis, so I can play tricks on people à la Matilda.

The answer I give most often is “the ability to control time.” Remembering all the missed deadlines and utter sleeplessness of last fall semester is enough to induce this response. It’s practical to be able to take naps whenever I want and to always have enough time to travel from point A to B.

If I actually had a genie in front of me to grant the wish of a superpower though, my real desire would be this: super metabolism.

I would love to have energy all the time, to not get cold as easily, and most importantly, to eat as much as I want without suffering negative consequences. I could say it’s because I love food [especially chocolate], but I think the real reason is because I have very little self-control. I made a humongous pot of curry last night, which I’m eating now for lunch, and it’s so delicious [I love making curry] that I just want to keep eating it…which of course my stomach won’t allow. I have guy friends who lament their metabolisms because it keeps them from gaining the weight they want, and I can only seethe with jealousy upon hearing their woe.

But if I were to vocalize this before a group of people who I’ve probably just met [the “superpower” question always comes out during icebreakers], their first thought would be: this woman is a pig. LOL. So I stick to the safe and generally self-explanatory responses instead.