My 13-Year-Old Self, pt. I

June 2, 2011 § 3 Comments

In a recent conversation with B about dream interpretation, I dug out my old “dream journal” from my bookshelf. Well, it didn’t actually require much digging, as I keep all my past journals within easy reach on the top shelf. I’ve always remembered my dreams pretty vividly, and I did write down some in the journal, but I mostly used it as a regular diary. It was a pretty journal, with black pages and a silver gel pen.

Reading through it has been an immensely amusing [and sometimes tragic] look back at a time when my thoughts pretty much revolved around school and boys with a little bit of family and drama mixed in. I’m publishing some of the interesting bits here [with as little censorship/corrections as possible!] for everyone’s enjoyment. The story begins in the spring of 2003, when I was in 8th grade. Any additions/comments by my current self will be put inside brackets.

And please, please, feel free to laugh at my 13-year-old thoughts but PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME!

4/28/03

Dreams dreams dreams … will I really use this journal for just DREAMS? (This pen sux) Well, I’ll just use this as a normal journal…if I can keep it consistant. I didn’t even KNOW this was a “Dream” journal… (This was from a book order). […]

I forgot to study for my math test. I lost all memory of Sine Cosine and Tangent. Not like I’ll use this stuff when I’m all grown up. Our math education should stop at division. I mean, WHERE would you use geometry normally? Maybe if you’re an architect…But as for me? Yea, rite. I can’t wait to get home and go online. I must update my Xanga; I’m just brimming with ideas… My handwriting sux. I should improve it, but how would I do THAT? […]

Alan Liu was wearing a bright yellow T-shirt today. What a banana. I bet he IS, hanging out w/ Payton and Ken all the time. He’s getting cuter… :) and he’s not fat at all… I think he’s been working out over the winter break cuz in the fall his legs…weren’t that flattering but the first time he wore shorts this spring WHOOEE! They were sweeet! [LMAO.]

5/8/03 

If Lucy’s a wombat, and Terry’s a wombat, then is Mr. Solgos a wombat?

Listen! If Mr. Solgos is a wombat, and Terry’s a wombat, then is Lucy a wombat?

10/22/03 [Now a freshman in high school]

I have no life. All I can talk about here is boys and all I can talk bout on my Xanga is school.

Larry lost his tooth today, his left canine. 50¢, I would say.

Vendredi, 10/24/03 [I had just started taking French]

So Xixi had this Luv letter from her ex bf in Korea [LOL] …showed it (privately!) to Amy, Nora, AND Yawen! Wouldn’t show it to me! Wtheck … sad…and today I realized I’m a horrible person. BWAHL.

Dimanche 10/26/03 [AKA Sunday]

After lunch (that I didn’t eat) Richard told me sumthin…actually he told Xixi first. Wtheck?…

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY (14) ALEX!*

So they had a dude’s sleepover last nite. Richard said they were playing Truth or Dare and somebody asked Alex hu he liked…and he said ME! hmm how’m I supposed 2 feel about that? THEY’D BETTER NOT HAVE TALKED ABOUT ME!! Dumb boys. I guess Alex is OK. At least I don’t feel distinctly repelled from him…yet…but why do I have 8th graders liking me…BWAH… […]

Chen sang today 3 service…she’s so good. Go Chen! I really appreciated Josh Lin’s sermon today. I wish I could’ve tape recorded it. It was about not knowing where the next step in our lives is, and I could relate. I really liked it…

Mardi 10/28/03 [I remember this day clearly]

I don’t even want to think about what happened today. But it was important so I’ll force myself. This is, in fact, my 4th retelling of this story:

We got our math tests back. I got … a 27/60? Well, I got about 33 wrong. [I didn’t really like Honors Algebra II Trig..] Mr Dwyer didn’t even give me a grade, but wrote for me to see him. I went up to him after class and he told me to see him during lunch. I was planning to eat lunch, but I had technique today so I didn’t.

So I went to his room @ the beginning of my lunch period, completely in the dark, expecting some lecture on why I got so many wrong on my test. In fact, that’s what I told Mr. Dwyer when he asked, but he said that wasn’t it and asked me if I could think of anything else. I thought as hard as I could but that’s all I could come up with.

He then gave me my test and pointed to questions 6c and 6d. See, I had no idea how to do ANY of #6, so I completely guessed…I think. Mr Dwyer then said that the answers he indicated were common answers on the papers on some of the people around me. He was accusing me of cheating.

In my heard, I knew that I had done no such thing. I could I, with our desks placed the way they are? But my mind was heavy with doubt. I honestly could not remember a thing form last week’s test. I hate myself for being so weak. He asked me to tell the truth. How could I stand his eyes boring into me like that? My eyes started tearing. I wished he could read my mind. Crying in front of a teacher…how can I face him tomorrow? Oh, God…

I went and put it on my xanga. I told my friends. I even told Julie Kim. The only reason I told my mom was because conferences are next week…AND because I thought she would be sympathetic. First, she went off on a tangent, saying how I need to study harder and taking away Friday night bible study.

I asked her if she believed me. She compared my situation with Detective Conan, saying that if I have no proof that I didn’t cheat, of course I would be a suspect. She’s wrong. The person they suspect first is always innocent, and the only reason Conan can solve all the mysteries is because he finds PROOF. What is this word, when my own MOTHER doesn’t believe me? If I ever have kids, I vow not to be like her, so distant and cold.

Wrote another song. And thru all this, I still can only think of Larry. He seems so neglected. What will he BE like? OH GOD! Help me…

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