The Aftermath

March 20, 2009 § 2 Comments

One consequence of the BU* that I’ve noticed is that almost immediately, I’m having more trouble trusting guys.

After breaking up with the first ex, I also had trust issues, especially regarding infidelity [granted, I was never married, but it’s the best word I have to describe the issue]; whenever J hung out one-on-one with other girls, I kind of freaked out, no matter who she was. I was in the process of getting over those insecurities when this BU happened, and now I have trust issues of a different kind — it was a different kind of BU.

I didn’t recognize this until very recently. Now, when I feel like a guy is getting too friendly out of the blue, I automatically wonder what he wants from me. Just a friend, or something more? Some of this apprehension arises from rational bases — friends have told me that so-and-so is clearly flirting with me, so it’s not just my own paranoia. Other times, though, I wonder why I immediately suspect somebody of having an ulterior motive. Although it’s easy to wonder why somebody would start FB chatting me up every day out of the blue with no initiation on my part — and there are three separate occurrences of this.

Urgh. Is there a point to psychoanalyzing myself at 4AM? Is it helpful?

Probably not. I think I’m just stalling because I don’t want to write my article…

I’m excited for spring break, but I do wish I was heading to some exotic locale [I miss Hawaii~] instead of closer in proximity to him. Will it be awkward? Will he avoid me? Hmmm so many questions that I wish I could purge from my mind. Even attention from other guys can’t fully take my mind off of it, though it would help if they were more attractive, heh. Why are there no hot people at my school?!?

. . .

*How I will henceforth refer to the “breakup”. While we were together, we referred to this as “the B word” and I still have an aversion to the word for some reason.


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