Here And Now
February 19, 2009 § Leave a comment
I’ve been thankful for all the love I’ve received from my friends in the past week. Although not all the kind words in the world could mend the void in my soul, it is good to be loved. I appreciate the phone calls, texts and hugs.
I consciously wanted, throughout the relationship, not to be “that couple”: the pair that is utterly inseparable, cloyingly clingy, and generally alienating to everybody. I tried my best to balance boyfriend time with girlfriend time, though I’m not sure how successful I actually was. I hope to be forgiven if anybody felt pushed aside. My mother got mad at me, complaining that I had double the obligation as my other [single] friends. But a relationship requires emotional investment; what else could I do?
It’s not doing me much good listening to my weepy playlist. Some lyrics are so poignant that I can’t hear them without having to stop what I’m doing in order to catch my breath and calm my agitated thoughts. Yet, I can’t listen to anything else. I’m not in the mood for happy music or dance music. I have an awful lot of love songs, but I would really rather die than listen to them now.
I’ve also had the flu [or my recurring pneumonia]. What a shit week.
Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing matters anymore. I am really in quite a selfish state. God, I can’t wait until this week is over. But work never stops. I think I can’t wait until life is over. I’m trying my best to hold out until spring break…
I miss him still.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
February 18, 2009 § Leave a comment
It’s still hard to believe that it’s over. There are no words to adequately describe the depth of hopelessness and hurt within me.
The deep abyss of agony has become more of a dull ache. I can’t look at his face without dry-heaving: not wanting to vomit, but wanting to cry. Or die. [I believe there is a little bit of masochism involved.]
But what’s the use? It’s over. I laid in bed for a day, skipping my classes so I could try to sleep longer, or upon waking, cry periodically for what was lost: a time of mourning for something that had died.
I see other couples who have couple-y Facebook pictures, or who walk around holding hands, and reminisce on how I used to be that smug and comfortable too. But now they only serve as reminders of what could have been. I feel a little angry looking at all the non-Christian couples I know who are happy and planning futures together, and I wonder, if they can stay together, why did we fall apart? It’s not fair, God; it’s not fair.
再见是永远吗？
February 16, 2009 § 1 Comment
[Written preemptively 2.14.09]
I’ve never been dumped before.
I saw it coming, but it still hurts more than I thought it would.
Even when we were together, I thought about how minuscule we were. Although our love felt like one of the most important things ever, we were just like everybody else. Everybody reaches out, craving human contact and interaction; we are all depraved and incomplete. Being with someone else is lovely, but it certainly isn’t anything extraordinary. Everyone does it.
Now that it’s over, I’m a little lost. I haven’t been completely single for two years – this isn’t an easy transition. I find myself alternately struggling between desperately trying to focus on God and wondering if I’m destined to always be let down with broken promises from the opposite gender.
Pomegranate Love
February 6, 2009 § 3 Comments
Pomegranates are my favorite fruit. They’re not my favorite because I eat them all the time, although I do love the taste and might be inclined to eat them more frequently if they were cheaper and easier to eat – I simply love everything about pomegranates. They’re beautiful, unique, healthy, delicious and were rather rare before food companies started pimping them out like no other [I’m usually drawn to things that are unconventional].
The first time I had POM Wonderful juice, I was enraptured. It was so authentic that I could feel the dry aftertaste, although I’ve never been able to convince myself to buy it again because it’s so expensive. Since then I’ve had Pomegranate 7Up, which was tasty but lacking genuine flavors, which is the same that happened with Pomegranate Izze. I was super excited when I got an email from Red Mango announcing that pomegranate was their newest flavor. When I tried it during winter break, though, the flavor was way too subtle for such a high price. I would recommend getting pomegranate seeds as a topping instead if one wants the flavor.
auradis 