Liquiteria Juice Cleanse: Day 1

May 6, 2013 § 4 Comments

A juice cleanse isn’t meant to be taken lightly. Not only is it expensive, it’s also not as delicious as one might imagine (though maybe I’m the only one delusional enough to imagine such things). Such is what I learned on the first day of my Liquiteria cleanse.

Liquiteria Juice Cleanse

Sunday started with a trip to the gym, where I biked while watching Bizarre Foods America (I learned that Andrew Zimmern hates oatmeal, of all things). The dishes might’ve been unusual, but it all looked delicious — even elk heart tartare topped with raw turkey egg yolk — and I started missing solid food before I even got any juice inside me.

Over at Liquiteria, the line was long and full of young people with oodles of disposable income. Oh, and Russell Simmons was there too. No big deal. I went up to the guy offering samples, who looked like a shorter version of Chuck Hughes, and asked him how I could get started on a cleanse.

The day before, I had called to ask about the process and was told that I could go in, talk to a “cleansing coach” and walk out with my juices. I imagined going into a side room with someone dressed as a doctor for a private consultation, but I guess “cleansing coach” just means “Liquiteria employee,” as he took me aside for a quick chat.

After assessing which cleanse I should do (level one of course), he threw down some science about pH balance and alkaline body levels. Is it bad that I didn’t really pay attention to that part? “We recommend that you drink, per day, one ounce of water per pound of body weight,” he said, “otherwise the toxins will reattach and build up.” That’s roughly one gallon of water a day! Would it even be possible for a camel like me?

As the cashier swiped my credit card for the $147 purchase, I wondered if Liquiteria counts as a restaurant. (Chase Freedom cardholders know what I’m talking about!)

Liquiteria Juice Greens

All Greens: The celery is strong with this one. It really does taste like liquified salad with no dressing — after the first few sips, I wondered if I would be better off starving instead of drinking an utterly tasteless $8 bottle of juice. What had I gotten myself into?? It took me 20 minutes to finish. Was it filling? Not particularly. But as long as I avoided looking at food, I would be okay. Too bad I happened to be working on a food piece for Redbook that day…

The frequency of needing to pee was so intense that my nap was disrupted — at least once every 20 minutes!

All Greens With Apple: Mercifully sweeter, this one tastes like something people would actually enjoy drinking. I still tasted the inescapable whiff of celery when I exhaled, though, and a whole bottle was quite enough. It took me 30 minutes to finish, partly because I was too busy taking bathroom breaks.

At this point, I was starting to miss chewing. 16 bottles to go!

Greens With Carrot: The carrots provide a bit of sweetness but also a hint of bitter earthiness, which is more complex (and sewage-colored) than the first two juices. I couldn’t decide if I liked it, but I did know that it was taking me longer and longer to finish these. What gives?

Hunger levels were abated by my continuously full bladder. Every time I walked to the bathroom, though, I was tempted by my roommate’s bagels sitting on the counter :( I wasn’t necessarily hungry; my mouth just felt idle. Also, all the cold liquid was sapping warmth from my body — doing a juice cleanse would be great in the heat of mid-summer.

I was also feeling a heavy, pressing tiredness and a growing headache. One might presume that drinking shots of fresh juice would produce boundless energy, but perhaps I was going through sugar withdrawal…nevertheless, I forced myself to stay awake for Game of Thrones! #priorities

Between this one and the next one, I had to pace my water consumption because Catherine was giving little C a bath, which meant the bathroom would be occupied for at least an hour. The agony!

Beets Me: By the time I got around to my fourth bottle, it was already 9 p.m., so I skipped the second All Greens With Apple and went for the red. I was a bit hesitant because I had no idea what beets taste like, and I am not a fan of ginger at all. The carrot, apple and pear sweeten the juice, while the ginger adds a kick at the end. The lemon gets lost somewhere in between, sadly.

By the time the 60-minute episode ended, I still hadn’t finished the bottle. This was definitely going to be more of a drag than I thought. I chugged the rest and went to bed early with the mysterious headache still bothering me.

So at the end of Day 1, I had only consumed four of the six bottles. Whoops…looks like drinking this much juice takes quite a bit of discipline and determination!

(Read days 2 and 3 here)

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§ 4 Responses to Liquiteria Juice Cleanse: Day 1

  • I def cheated and added more fruits every time the veggie flavored were too overwhelming haha. Hang in there! But listen to your body if the headache persists and don’t try to do a six mile run like I did…

  • heyasher says:

    Royal Flush is a cute name. I think doing a juice cleanse would make me never want to consume anything veggie or green colored ever again.

  • […] A lot of the unfortunate things that happened during the final two days of my juice cleanse are undoubtedly my fault, but it’s safe to say that I probably won’t ever do a store-bought cleanse ever again. (Day 1 here) […]

  • Justin Champion says:

    Unfortunately I found your review a little too late and already started the same 3 day cleanse from Liquiteria. I have had a splitting headache all day and feel tired and unfocused. I agree with you and will NEVER do a store bought cleanse again.

    I really did enjoy your review regardless and can empathize.

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