Things I Might Do

April 30, 2012 § 2 Comments

These are some of the things I would do if I had the resources to do (mostly) whatever I wanted with my life after growing up a bit (without bingeing on the luxuries), ranked in somewhat chronological order. I realize that some of these are frivolous while others are near-impossible (unless the Romneys adopt me, perhaps), but if I had full control over my life, these are some choices I would make. The beautiful thing about life, however, is that we never are fully in control, so it’s safe to say that most of the following will never come true, and I’m OK with that.

1. Lasik surgery

I think I look better with glasses than without, but my eyesight is only getting worse with time, and I don’t want to be blind by the time I’m too old to find my glasses on the nightstand. I’m not sure I’ll have the guts to go through with it, though, because they slice your eye open!!!! It’s too much to handle. I think my blood pressure rises every time I think about it. Still, I see it as an inevitability. If only insurance covered the procedure.

Cost: $4000+

2. Custom-painted car

If I had the option, I would buy a Mini Cooper and get it painted hot pink, probably with a black top and two black stripes down the front. I’ve wanted a Mini since before I was 16 (it is the most popular brand among women, after all), and having a pink one would just be the icing on top of the Barbie cake of my life, if I liked icing. This is risky, though, because I’d worry that my car might get keyed or egged by hateful people. As Taylor Swift put it, people throw rocks at things that shine, and a hot pink Mini shines pretty hard.

Pretty much exactly like this

Cost: $21,600 + $7,500

3. Personal chef

I can keep my house organized and take care of most household things fine, but cooking is something at which I am purely mediocre, and if I could, I would really rather just hire someone to cook dinner for me (and maybe do the dishes ha ha though it seems most of these services are more on the delivery end than in-home) than have to worry about it myself. I’m not a picky eater, so it wouldn’t really be difficult for whomever I hire, as long as they can make authentic Chinese food. I usually do OK making food for myself, but the thought of someday having to make dinner every night for a family (or even myself + husband) is just too much. I don’t think I could handle the pressure. Good thing gender roles are more fluid these days, meaning I won’t be saddled with the full responsibility of it in the future, right? Speaking of kids…

Cost: $11,700/yr for a personal chef AKA deliveries, $55,000/yr for a private chef, cost of groceries not included for either

4. Surrogate

The thought of being pregnant freaks me out and is totally unappealing. It might be weird or taboo to admit this publicly, but oh well. (I still want kids!!) I think it would be awesome to watch my baby grow…in somebody else’s body. Yup. If I could be a seahorse, that would be pretty super. I have a feeling this is the least likely to happen out of all the things on this list (if I can count my future spouse as a personal chef, heh heh) simply due to the astronomical price, which makes me sad.

And would I outsource the already-outsourced pregnancy (ie. out of the country, to save money) or be a helicopter biological mother? What kinds of people become surrogates, anyway? Would I be able to find a smart, healthy young lady? I’d like to hire a white woman just to be absolutely sure that it’s my baby that comes out. LOL

Cost: $100,000

5. Adopt

Kind of goes along with the previous one, but more compelling. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to adopt a child (probably a girl) from Asia (probably China). I was a bit deterred after learning that some people steal babies to sell to adoption-seekers, which is absolutely appalling. There are already so many unwanted children in the world and you’re going to steal a baby that somebody is already taking care of to sell to an unsuspecting couple?! WTF!

Anyway, my heart goes out to the orphans of the world, and I’d love to do my part to provide a home for one someday. Also, as someone who ranks overpopulation as one of the World’s Most Pressing Problems Of Today, I think it would be great if people could adopt the children that have already been born instead of senselessly procreating like there’s no tomorrow, which there won’t be once this planet’s resources dry up and everyone has to move to Mars.

Cost: $20,000-30,000

6. Mr. Duker

This one is kind of bizarre, but my favorite band director once told us (in middle school) that someday if we got rich, he would really appreciate it if we could help fund him to take a trip to outer space because he really wanted to go. I wrote it down in my notebook and haven’t forgotten, for some reason. Since then, Mr. Duker has gotten married and had at least one baby, so I’m not sure if he’d be down for a trip outside the atmosphere, but if I could, I would happily send him to space and back, for all the good times in band class.

Cost: $200,000?

Space travel is free if you're nyan cat

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