Fear In The Room
October 18, 2010 § 7 Comments
I’m glad to be single. I’m glad that I didn’t have a boyfriend holding me back while studying abroad; I’m glad that I don’t have one to hinder my post-graduation plans. I look at the two of my roommates who have boyfriends and think, I’m glad I don’t have to set aside time for a boyfriend because I feel like I barely have enough time for myself.
In short, I’m selfish.
A relationship is very rewarding, but it’s also draining, full of giving. You don’t know how tiring it is until you’re out of one.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. It’s nice to have someone to talk to immediately, a free dispenser of hugs and kisses and dates that’s hard to find in anybody else. But most of the time I shun the thought of a relationship, instead exaggerating the superficial.
Spending half a year in Asia turned in a little boy-crazy. I mean, the guys in Hong Kong weren’t that good-looking, but they were skinny and well-dressed and had long hair, and if I just focused on a positive physical trait, it was enough for me. Lust is a very real and enduring struggle. Kpop has also instilled this weird infatuation for younger guys, which I’m having a harder time hiding lately. I’ve been wielding my sexuality unapologetically, creeping on cute guys and commenting on them shamelessly. And I keep everything superficial.
In the end, I think what I have is fear.
I’m afraid to want more. I’m afraid to give myself and my time and have all my effort ultimately go to waste. I’m afraid to be emotionally invested in another person. I’m afraid to take that risk.
So for now, I’d rather stick to boy-watching, to compartmentalizing, to keeping things from getting messy. I’d rather ogle photos of Korean idols, people who are a fantasy. Safe.
Who can tame this wild heart? I bet it’s not you ;)